Lone Wolf
3rd October 2008, 10:56 AM
If Tommy Cooper were alive today... He would tell them 'Just like...'
Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood.' I said, 'Where is he then?'
Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got collara.'
Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on and on.
Ø The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.
Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says 'Audi!'
Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Ø I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood.' I said, 'Where is he then?'
Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got collara.'
Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on and on.
Ø The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.
Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says 'Audi!'
Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Ø I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'