Lone Wolf
13th September 2008, 10:28 AM
The Ark
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you peckers back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."
"S**t!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
Hot Dog
Two nun's come over here from Ireland. They are riding the bus from the airport to their hotel and one turns to the other and says 'these people are barbarians, i have heard that they eat dog.' the other nun gasps. they get off the bus and see a vendor selling food so the first nun walks over and asks for two dogs.
She hands her two hot dogs and she quickly rejoins her companion, handing over one packet. She opens hers and gasps 'what part did you get?'
Just a Thought...
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Dogs and Men
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both mark their territory
Neither tells you what's bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither understands what you see in cats
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you're gone
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
Dogs admit when they're jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Stupid Quotes by famous people
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing."
- Congressman Gary Ackerman (D-New York)
"An unsupervised teenager with a modem is as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun."
- Gail Thackeray, Arizona State Attorney
"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
- Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island
"I would never sign a prenuptial agreement. That makes the relationship so shallow."
- Marla Maples
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher."
- Linda Evangelista supermodel
"If crime went down one hundred percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be."
- Councilman John Bowman; Washington D.C.
"I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at."
- Brigitte Nielsen, actress
"It sounds vain, but I could probably make a difference for almost everyone I ever met if I chose to involve myself with them either professionally or personally."
- Kevin Costner, actor
"When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay."
- Kathleen Turner, actress
"The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made."
- Monte Clark, former Detroit Lions coach
"In college I slept with a couple of guys, like we all do, and a couple of girls, like we all do. Then I got to New York City and I just blossomed into this sexual creature."
- Linda Fiorentino, actress
"You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself"
- Joe Pasternak, producer
"Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums."
- Imelda Marcos
"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical."
- Baseball great Yogi Berra
"I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do."
- U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno
"Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"I wanted my anger to be valid, and the only way to do that is to be fairly attractive."
- Courtney Love, singer
"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people."
- Bryant Gumbel, TV newsperson
"Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) knows he’s got sex appeal and he knows how to use it. Yet he doesn’t think he’s gorgeous. And to me, he’s simply smelly, farty Leo."
- Kate Winslet, actress
"I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs, while he is married. But three is the absolute maximum, After that, you're cheating."
- Yves Montand, actor
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump
"From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back."
- John Madden, sportscaster
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you peckers back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."
"S**t!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
Hot Dog
Two nun's come over here from Ireland. They are riding the bus from the airport to their hotel and one turns to the other and says 'these people are barbarians, i have heard that they eat dog.' the other nun gasps. they get off the bus and see a vendor selling food so the first nun walks over and asks for two dogs.
She hands her two hot dogs and she quickly rejoins her companion, handing over one packet. She opens hers and gasps 'what part did you get?'
Just a Thought...
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Dogs and Men
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both mark their territory
Neither tells you what's bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither understands what you see in cats
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you're gone
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
Dogs admit when they're jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Stupid Quotes by famous people
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing."
- Congressman Gary Ackerman (D-New York)
"An unsupervised teenager with a modem is as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun."
- Gail Thackeray, Arizona State Attorney
"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
- Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island
"I would never sign a prenuptial agreement. That makes the relationship so shallow."
- Marla Maples
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher."
- Linda Evangelista supermodel
"If crime went down one hundred percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be."
- Councilman John Bowman; Washington D.C.
"I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at."
- Brigitte Nielsen, actress
"It sounds vain, but I could probably make a difference for almost everyone I ever met if I chose to involve myself with them either professionally or personally."
- Kevin Costner, actor
"When I'm really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn't look at me, he's probably gay."
- Kathleen Turner, actress
"The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made."
- Monte Clark, former Detroit Lions coach
"In college I slept with a couple of guys, like we all do, and a couple of girls, like we all do. Then I got to New York City and I just blossomed into this sexual creature."
- Linda Fiorentino, actress
"You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself"
- Joe Pasternak, producer
"Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums."
- Imelda Marcos
"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical."
- Baseball great Yogi Berra
"I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do."
- U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno
"Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"I wanted my anger to be valid, and the only way to do that is to be fairly attractive."
- Courtney Love, singer
"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people."
- Bryant Gumbel, TV newsperson
"Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) knows he’s got sex appeal and he knows how to use it. Yet he doesn’t think he’s gorgeous. And to me, he’s simply smelly, farty Leo."
- Kate Winslet, actress
"I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs, while he is married. But three is the absolute maximum, After that, you're cheating."
- Yves Montand, actor
"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump
"From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back."
- John Madden, sportscaster