Lone Wolf
6th August 2008, 03:57 PM
Women!
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why Beer is Healthy
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
The Pope and the Missing 'R'
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over,
"There's an 'R', There's and 'R'!!!"
"Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!"
PS - Spelling mistook is deliberate
Kid Science
Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why Beer is Healthy
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
The Pope and the Missing 'R'
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over,
"There's an 'R', There's and 'R'!!!"
"Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!"
PS - Spelling mistook is deliberate
Kid Science
Here are some interesting interpretations of nature from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."