Lone Wolf
27th July 2008, 02:53 PM
The Saint Kilda Fan (Australian Rules Football)
A guy walks into a Melbourne pub with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a "Saint Kilda jumper and scarf" and is festooned with "Saints" pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Saints receiving a free kick, advancing to the forward line and kicking a goal.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win a Grand Final?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for thirty-seven years."
Control Over The Wife
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.' "
First Child...
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
The Pill...
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."
Hush Darling...
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I . . . I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . . . I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
Just a Thought...
"Once upon a time In a land far away a beautiful independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat Contemplating ecological issues On the shores of an unpolluted pond In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap And said: Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, And I will turn back Into the dapper young prince that I am; And then, my sweet we can marry And set up housekeeping in yon castle With my mother, Where you can prepare my meals, Clean my clothes, bear my children, And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs Seasoned in a white wine And onion cream sauce, She chuckled and said softly to herself: I don't f***ing think so.
The Suspect...
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Breast Stroke Competition...
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 14 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
A guy walks into a Melbourne pub with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a "Saint Kilda jumper and scarf" and is festooned with "Saints" pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Saints receiving a free kick, advancing to the forward line and kicking a goal.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win a Grand Final?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for thirty-seven years."
Control Over The Wife
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.' "
First Child...
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
The Pill...
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."
Hush Darling...
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I . . . I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . . . I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
Just a Thought...
"Once upon a time In a land far away a beautiful independent self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat Contemplating ecological issues On the shores of an unpolluted pond In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap And said: Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, And I will turn back Into the dapper young prince that I am; And then, my sweet we can marry And set up housekeeping in yon castle With my mother, Where you can prepare my meals, Clean my clothes, bear my children, And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs Seasoned in a white wine And onion cream sauce, She chuckled and said softly to herself: I don't f***ing think so.
The Suspect...
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Breast Stroke Competition...
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breast stroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 14 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."